Citadel review: a multilevel marketing scheme as a show

There’s a strip from cartoonist Chris Onstad’s classic webcomic Achewood where a couple of anthropomorphic cats are watching “TV” (in reality, just their robot pal Lie-Bot in a cardboard box).

“Alright everybody!” Lie-Bot begins. “It’s time to see my ass!”

Cats aren’t fans of the idea. “How do you know that a robot’s ass is bad?” Lie-Bot asks.

“IT MUST BE,” one shouts, off-panel.

“WHY FIND OUT,” yells the other.

Citadel is like that robot’s ass.

It’s not apparent from the first couple of episodes streaming on Prime Video, nor in their promotion, but Citadel is the first volley in what’s meant to be an international TV mega-franchise. CitadelThe flagship series is about super-spies Mason Kane.Game of Thrones’ Richard Madden) and Nadia Sinh (Priyanka Chopra Jonas of Bollywood and QuanticoFame) to help save the world. Other international versions will follow. CitadelThis universe is shared by several films, all with different casts and plots, yet they are set in the exact same place. Again: There’s just about no evidence for this in the first three of Citadel’s six episodes, but it’s very important to know if there’s any hope to understand what you’re watching.

You can find more evidence for Citadel’s troubled production, where behind-the-scenes turmoil caused costs to balloon, fights over creative direction, and eight hour-long episodes to be trimmed down to six 40-minute ones, two of which premiere today. The resulting show isn’t incoherent, but it is haphazard — the narrative flashes backward and forward, characters constantly announce to each other who they are, and cliffhangers tease “twists” that were obvious from minute one.

Image: Prime Video

What’s left is a G.I. Joe-ass, superspy tale, to use the derogatory term, is perhaps the strongest evidence. The plot comes across as a game of schoolyard one-upmanship: The heroes work for Citadel, which is not just a spy agency, it’s the You can also find out more about the ultimate one, better than every country’s and serving no one but justice. Manticore is the evil opposite of Citadel, who are good. Everywhere. Every complication has a gadget made to solve it, up to and including memory loss (unless, whoops — we lost it).

It’s possible to see a satisfying version of Citadel hiding somewhere in the show that’s here. It’s a great setup: Mason and Nadia, after a failed mission, are split up in an explosion. They were presumed to be dead, and their memories have been erased by their spy technology. After eight years, Mason and Nadia are both living in civilian life in other parts of world. However, Citadel’s tech genius Bernard Orlick is Stanley Tucci who reactivates their memories to help stop Manticore finding the device which will allow them to wipe out all Citadel agents. Nadia, however, is the only person who can regain her skills and memories, making Mason a bit of an incompetent dummy.

It is reasonable to conclude that you will be able to understand this article. CitadelThis was a lighter spy thriller, not as serious but still fun. Unfortunately, that version of the show only appears in brief moments, the best of which is in the second episode, where Mason — aware that he’s a Citadel agent but still an amnesiac — tries to convince a very hostile Nadia that she’s also a superspy. It’s the rare moment where the characters feel like people that would be fun to follow around, but CitadelRefuses to allow them breathing. The flashbacks are a part of every plot, and they’re even less exciting than the current minimal plot. It’s a good thing that every episode has ended before anyone can have a strong opinion.

Image: Prime Video

It isn’t a television series. I would call it an algorithm, but that’s an insult to algorithms. It’s not even an advertisement for the future Citadel mega-franchise, because that franchise doesn’t exist yet, and few people who aren’t making or reporting on it know that it’s even happening. It is happening, as I write this. According to The Hollywood Reporter, Amazon has already committed to 3 seasons of Citadel, two in Italy and the other one set in India.

CitadelIt is a very low-risk scam similar to Avon. You can’t tell who is being honest. benefitingIts existence as a production company outside of ABGO is attributed to The Russo Brothers who are the producers. Citadel’s executive producers. Watching the show is like transcribing a writers’ room staffed by 12 year olds, who toss out lines like “nothing more dangerous to a pervy old man than red lips” and sort of expect people to roll with it. Like a man in a large room of kids, I’m unsure how cruel I can be.

You don’t have to. How many spy series have been released in the past month? Watch Rabbit HoleOr, you could enjoy Kiefer as a smug corporate snitch, unrepentantly framed for murder. Or The Night Agent, which lacks star power but has a great hook (FBI agent has to watch a phone that never rings… until it does) and propulsive pacing once it gets going. See You are the Company You KeepYou may prefer sexier spies. You can also wait for a couple of days to watch. FUBAR, which might not be good, but it has Arnold Schwarzenegger, and that’s not nothing.

It’s tempting to grade a show like Citadel on a curve. It doesn’t have the literary aspirations of prestige TV and life is tough, you know? Why be harsh on a silly spy show when everyone needs to have something else to do as they wash their laundry?

There are many friends. So many shows to fold laundry to, and many of them don’t rely on the remote being out of reach for viewers to slide into episode two. CitadelIt is hardly entertainment as it stands. It’s an invitation to a hotel conference room, where people are about to sell you on a bunch of other shows they’ve got coming.

There’s another season of Citadel on its way, along with those aforementioned spinoffs, and maybe with the very expensive kinks worked out in this first season, maybe they’ll even be good. What if we go by this? I don’t know, man. Why do you want to find out?

Citadel’s first two episodes premiere on Prime Video on Friday, April 28, with new episodes weekly.