Top 5 Video Game Characters Getting Coal In Their Stockings This Year

The holidays are the best time of year. This is me, although I’m at work. That’s fine. I am free from thoughts about videogames, articles and people who read and play both. I’m free. At last, freedom. Until January. 

It also means that this website is filled with pre-written content. No matter what day it is, the wheels continue to turn and I, a humble worker bee, am delighted to help. Game Informer CMS has an insatiable need for listsicles. 

This time, how should it be ranked? You could rank anything. We don’t put too much thought into these – they’re pretty low-effort, moderate-to-high gain pieces. You just come up with a couple of good buzzwords – something Minimum a few thousand people will click on – throw a few hundred words at it, and you got yourself a list. You will want it to have a timely theme to capitalize on Twitter trends or SEO. This is something people are looking for and talking about. 

It was mine! Below are five of our favorite videogame characters who would receive coal for Christmas. 

5) Nathan Drake – The Uncharted Series

Nathan Drake is loved by everyone. If you haven’t seen it, you will be awestruck by his charismatic charm and handsomeness. Indiana Jones Movie, it seems that he is a truly unique and innovative character. 

Drake is a man-of-the-people, but Drake has a dark side. 

Literally, he is a mass killer. Period. You are correct. Uncharted is Nathan Drake’s merry band, a bunch of idiots, travels to another country and kills several people. Then they steal ancient artifacts from the local area. Drake truly is a rare case, in an environment filled with shameful behavior.  

An easy argument in Drake’s favor would be that he never kills good or innocent people – or at least not intentionally. I guess if you’re doing mental gymnastics at an Olympic level, killing thousands of people over the course of one short decade is fine, so long as they’re “bad.”

However, this doesn’t make it any less wrong to plunder a country’s historic artifacts. This is absolutely unacceptable and Drake should face trial before the United Nations. Drake’s quick-buck scheme has caused untold damage to our understanding of technology and ancient civilisations. Naughty Dog will not release a DLC in which Drake restores these artifacts back to their proper countries. Until then, I won’t take Naughty Dog seriously as a game developer. Sorry, that was harsh. However, as it stands, this is an irresponsible story.

Nathan Drake is an awful person. I can vouch for that. You can put coal in the stocking of that man. 

Post-script: Did you play Uncharted 4? Drake can also be a bad husband.

4) Trevor Phillips – Grand Theft Auto V

He is also a mass killer. 
 

3. 97.39845-percentage all characters in current triple-A gaming

Mass murderers are all of them! While I am not going to get political here I will say that mass murderers don’t belong on Santa’s Nice List. This is how I was brought up. 

Now look, I am not espousing the idea that video games cause real-world violence – that’s a harmful idea regurgitated ad nauseam by right-wing pundits that both ignores actual research and is reductive to video games as an art form. Nuanced violence is not what I am referring to in video games. Violence is something I love. That is something you can quote. 

What I’m saying is, when we’re considering this list – and believe me, a lot of consideration has gone into it since I started writing it seven minutes ago – if we’re coming down on characters like Nathan Drake and Trevor Phillips for their propensity for mass murder, then we must hold all other, similar video game characters accountable as well. To make videogames a viable medium we need to have the ability to critique and hold them to higher standards. 

It is because of this that I am here to tell you: 97.39845% of the characters in contemporary triple-A games have coal in their stockings during the holidays. You can’t let the bad guys on your GameStop shelves get away with buying guns, weapons and bombs. Santa won’t be visiting their homes this year, which is a disappointment for everyone. 

(Full disclosure: Game Informer This article is owned by GameStop Corporation, but our parent company did not have any insight into its rankings and evaluations. 

2) Cloud Strife – Final Fantasy VII

Jason Guisao, my co-worker and friend puts it so beautifully:

1) Louse The Mouse – Daze Before Christmas

You’re no stranger to this page if you made it so far. The videogame character Santa, Louse the Mouse (from Funcom’s 1994 classic Daze Before Christmas), is the one that is most missing this year. 

I know I’m preaching to the choir here – everyone is always saying this – but Louse is such a little rat. Pun Complete intended. A little boy of a gun, this child had the temerity to destroy all Christmas presents around the world and cast a curse on them all. Louse The Mouse would be my Christmas present if it were up to me. The mere thought of it is enough to make my blood boil.

Louse the mouse is both a danger to society as well as a threat for the holidays. He is therefore the most likely character in video games to receive coal in their stockings. 
 

Was our list correct? Yes, it was. It was! Enjoy your holiday.