The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ CGI genitals should not be forgotten

This week’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem marks the seventh big-screen outing for Leonardo, Raphael, Donatello, and Michelangelo, who never go on hiatus — the heroes in a half-shell have almost always had a TV show or comic keeping their turtle power going between movies.

And despite the quantity, TMNT has a property has a decent hit-rate for quality: 1990’s Teenage Mutant Ninja TurtlesIt is a sequel that hits harder than you could ever imagine Secret of the Ooze is more cartoonish fun, 2007’s all-animated TMNTMichael Bay’s film, which was produced on a tight budget, brought back the excitement. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles at least nailed the casting behind some polarizing motion-capture-spirited CGI. A star-studded creative team is able to score high thanks to their passion. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant MayhemThe franchise should be developed in the correct direction.

Here’s the only thing: No feature-length or episodic TMNT saga will ever eclipse The Onion’s take on Ninja Turtles back in 2014. Today, when pop culture makes me think of the Turtles I always remember this video. It’s a joy and a curse. Once you see the imagery contained in the below video — nay, Film — there is no unseeing it. It will happen then and it will come now. Michael Bay Gives Fans Sneak Peek At Ninja Turtles’ Hyper-Realistic CGI GenitalsThis is an amazing work of comedy genius.

Released in July 2014, right around San Diego Comic-Con, The Onion’s Michael Bay Gives Fans Sneak Peek At Ninja Turtles’ Hyper-Realistic CGI GenitalsThis was a perfect parody Entertainment TonightThe following are some examples of how to use Additional InformationSegments filled with press kit jargon and gushing praise. The Onion also used the opportunity to have the Ninja Turtles’ floppy genitalia added.

“Everything we did was a headline that was pitched and selected,” says director JJ Shebesta, who kindly responded to my email subject line “Question about Michael Bay’s Turtle genitalia” with genuine enthusiasm. “Then the whole group of writers producers and directors shaped the script and end product. […]At first, we were unsure if it was too light-hearted or silly. But I know I was excited about it because I always loved anything that lent itself to being world-building spectacle and super playful.”

It’s a nail. This is bathroom humor done to extremes and with motion graphics. The green CG phalluses added to footage of Bay’s Teenage Mutant Ninja TurtlesLook very real. Every line of dialogue is delivered with an eerie, mundane buzz that anyone familiar with studio featurettes produced in the past 20 years will recognize.

“Michael Bay was very hands-on for a producer,” says one fake VFX artist in the video. “From day one, he said these turtles have to be gritty with realistic-looking facial expressions and veiny, textured genitalia.”

Shebesta says the team’s ear for making-of promo jargon came from a devout love for making-of promos — while it might be exploiting Michael Bay’s finely crafted TMNT movie for laughs, it’s also a love letter. Everyone accepted the challenge to take it to its logical conclusion. Shebesta recalled that the actor playing the entertainment journalist refused to use the scripted foul language, because this would have weakened the actual spoof. “I think that not being punched in the dialogue helped soften something that was already pretty gross,” he notes.

It is becoming increasingly difficult to identify gold content that has been produced specifically for the web as the amount of online content increases. The Onion’s video era always struggled to break through to the same degree as Funny or Die or creator-driven YouTube channels, stuck gunning for bigger fish — did you know there were two different Onion TV shows on IFC and Comedy Central? — or just being too niche, weird, and sophisticated for the viral audience. The videos that went viral (and Michael Bay Gives Fans Sneak Peek At Ninja Turtles’ Hyper-Realistic CGI Genitals was one of them) today have no place in any comedy canon beyond vague memories of those who think “Twitter used to be good.”

They should. They are great. (See also: True Detective: Yellow King Theory.) Rewatching is a good idea Michael Bay Gives Fans Sneak Peek At Ninja Turtles’ Hyper-Realistic CGI GenitalsEvery time a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles event happens. The Onion’s team deserves an Oscar for Best Short Film. Shredder’s spiky metal sword schlong should probably not be in Mutant Mayhem 2, for the well-being of children, but still, it’s an achievement.

Shebesta says that while the Onion video team may have been unsung heroes in an earlier era of Internet goofs and pranks, the reality of the day to day was one of wonderment where almost anything happened.

“I remember we had a talented intern doing renderings of monster dongs and he couldn’t believe this was a job people do,” he says. “We couldn’t either. That was a common experience at that job.”