The Covenant Halo aliens, ranked by how kissable they are

Video game legends will forever remember the Covenant as one of most iconic baddies. These creepy-crawly aliens with their futuristic armor and slimy skin look as scary as they do cool — making them a fitting group of enemies to take on Master Chief.

The Covenant is a group of alien species that believe they will be one day able activate supertechnology and rise to the heights. The aliens have a shared goal but the Covenant seems to have an unwritten rule that no one of them can be attractive.

In the spirit of the Covenant itself — which is an extremely hierarchical organization — I decided to rank them. However, on this day, I won’t be ranking them by how strong or intelligent they are. This list will not rank these species based on their sexuality.

Personally, I would never choose to have a romantic relationship with any of the aliens. However, if I were forced to kiss them, here’s my definitive ranked list, according to how willing I would be to kiss them.

1. Elites (Sangheili)

Image: 343 Industries/Microsoft Studios

Call me basic, but I can’t help but put Elites at the top of this list. The Elites are skilled combatants and technicians, and they’re a fairly common enemy throughout the Halo universe. The height of an Elite can be anywhere from 7-foot-4 to 8-foot-6, and they’re super strong. They did something Master Chief couldn’t do. These evil boys are taller than the already massive super soldier. According to biological descriptions of them, Elites have a quadruple-hinged jaw with an upper jaw and four fingerlike mandibles — meaning these baddies are arguably engineered for kissing, making them deserving of this spot in the ranking.

2. Brutes (Jiralhanae)

Image: Bungie, 343 Industries/Microsoft Studios

Because of their annoying nature, I had originally placed Brutes higher up on my list. This piece is objective journalism. I have to admit who the most seductive. This means that I believe these Halo Chewbaccas are more worthy of being on this list than most others. I would be terrified to kiss this aggressive alien species, but it is better than smooching someone below. Let’s just pretend all the hair is an overgrown beard, OK?

3. Prophets (San’Shyuum)

Image: Bungie, 343 Industries/Microsoft Studios

I’m selling my soul by putting the Prophets at this height. This alien race is at the top Covenant hierarchy and they are undoubtedly the most disgusting creatures in this entire list. Their relative power and intelligence makes them a more attractive target for a kiss. At this point, I’m more in it for a ride in the hoverchair. You know, they are easy to fix.

4. Grunts

Image: 343 Industries/Microsoft Studios

There are some decisions that can only be taken out of emotion. While they might be at the bottom of the Covenant ranks, the Grunts are at the top of my heart — which explains their position on this list. This is not supposed to be objective. Okay, that’s just facts.

Yes, they have a lot to lose: They inhale methane gas and have very long nails. However, they’re the best Covenant species. Grunts, who are friendly and generous, can be often found working in small groups. There is no doubt that among the aliens on this list, I would be most likely to bring a Grunt to a social event, have a few drinks, and give ’em a nice big smooch.

5. Hunters (Lekgolo/Mgalekgolo)

Image: Bungie, 343 Industries/Microsoft Studios

Hunters have a dirty little secret: They’re actually giant sentient piles of worms (or eels, to be precise). Under the armor, what looks like rippling muscle are actually a group of small eels who have joined forces to create one bigger being. While that’s not exactly my cup of tea, a giant humanoid pile of worms could work for you, depending on what you’re into. These creatures don’t seem to have any real faces, which makes them lower on my kissing list.

6. Jackals and Skirmishers (KigYar)

Image: Bungie, 343 Industries/Microsoft Studios

There are multiple subspecies of Jackals, but we’ll just assess this guy. This species has a “Saurian” classification, meaning they’re birdlike reptiles. I like lizards — they’re cool — although I personally would be wigged out by the eyes. A feathery layer of down might make it more enjoyable to kiss one. Their overall appearance is a bit too toothy and gangly to my liking, so they would be best avoided being kissed.

7. Drones (Yanme’e)

Image: Bungie, 343 Industries/Microsoft Studios

It is a bug. It is an actual bug. It is not something I would want to do. I will, however, if I must, give one a lil’ kiss of encouragement right on the top of it, like I would a frog. Maybe I would take a photo — just to show, y’know, that I’m fun or something. There is very little that can be done to save these insectoids.

8. Engineers (Huragok)

Image: Bungie, 343 Industries/Microsoft Studios

You did it! Scrolled down to the bottom of the list. I don’t know what that says about you or me. However, let’s finish this up.

We have last, but certainly not least, the Engineers. Engineers may seem a little odd on this list. They are a species of biochemical creatures that were created by the Forerunners (another alien race), and while I could go on about my precise reasoning behind this one, I don’t feel that I need to explain myself further. You are the only one. LookIt.