Scream taught me I would not survive a horror movie

The Ghostface killer will not appear or carry a knife before the intruder. The ScreamHe scolds Casey Becker for being a poor victim. Over the phone, he mocks her for calling out “Who’s there?” when he rings her doorbell. “Don’t you watch scary movies? It’s a death wish,” he tells her. Becker doesn’t know enough about horror tropes, and Ghostface is going to make her pay for that with her life.

The Scream is, famously, a movie for people who have seen lots of horror movies — the kind of person who would chide a character for fleeing a home invader by running upstairs for some reason, instead of seeking out a more obvious exit. Even though The Scream is 25 years old now — and with a fourth sequel on the way! — it’s still very possible to be frustrated with horror movie protagonists. There are lots of reasons for that, given the audience’s relationship with the screen, and the way horror fans tend to enjoy meaty discussion about genre and craft. But the best one, I think, is also the one that’s most true: I would probably do the same stupid shit if I were in a horror movie, and I hate that.

Like most people, I tend to think I’m cleverer than I actually am, even though I can’t seem to implement simple solutions to basic problems, like cable management. Similarly, I have an unwavering faith in my reflexes and alertness to bail me out of a dicey situation, even though I know the “deer in headlights” phenomenon is absolutely real, because it’s happened to me.

There are also the basic issues that I have, making me more vulnerable to being an idiot in horror movies. In New York City, I reside in an apartment located on the top floor. While it offers excellent sightlines that make it almost impossible to surprise me, it isn’t exactly strong on exit plans. A lot of video games have allowed me to overestimate how much falling distance an average person can sustain. Ever see a child get an idea from a video game? So full of life and unearned, amoral confidence that they look at a cat and grin while thinking “I can probably take that cat”? Here, I’m the little girl. Let me laugh, because I’ve fucked around.

Thinking through how you’d respond to an alien attacker, a mad slasher, or a zombie outbreak is the oldest game in horror movie fandom. How would your friend and you die in this movie? The answer will change as you get older. The answer will change as you get older. A teenager who is full of bravado would say they’d go second or third, but would also be proud of their ability to think for themselves. I am not a teenager anymore. Like Mike Flanagan and me, I’m a mature man who enjoys horror. It is easier for me to see The Babadook or another creature eating children than confront my complicated guilt.

If he decided to visit me, then the Ghostface murderer would most likely get my sex. Now that I’m a mature adult, there is an advantage I have that almost guarantees my survival. Ghostface would find it difficult to murder me, or any other person, if he becomes distraught after I inform him that therapy might be what he needs.