How to tell if you’re playing too many video games, according to a therapist

The relationship between video games and us has been complicated. From the start of the medium’s history, it has been trying to take from us. First our quarters, then our time, and then a twisted combination of the two heightened to greater — and in some cases, extreme — degrees.

As games become more popular and easier to access, this situation has only got worse. For the majority of history in gaming, you had to go to an arcade to play video games. Or at least have a limited connection to a console or computer to enjoy them. The process was so frictional that it didn’t overwhelm people.

It’s now possible. You can access the games 24/7 from any device with a screen. The number of games is not only much greater than in the past, but many are “free” to play, eliminating barriers to entry. Gaming companies have hired psychologists in an effort to improve their game. They are using this same strategy to hack your brain and make you spend more.

Ever think, “I want to improve my skills in games but not to ruin my life.” This week is dedicated to health and video games.

It may sound sad, but you will be playing a game against an industrial beast with more money and resources than you. Every day, you try to grab what you have and make it part of its growing pile, hopefully before the financial quarter ends.

It can feel almost like your character is getting their sex in a cutscene. From the very beginning, you were taken advantage of. You had no chance.

While not a fair fight, you versus a billion-dollar industry increasingly built on predation of its customers, it’s not an impossible one. This industry will only profit from information that isn’t well protected. Your ability to understand yourself and your relationship with games will make it less likely that you succumb. Understanding yourself better is key. I hope this article helps you to begin the process.

For background, I’m a practicing therapist in New York City and a lifelong gamer. Hard Drive, a humorous videogame site that is also created by me, has a lot of personal and clinical experience. Although I enjoy games, they are increasingly demanding that we love them back.

Here is a walkthrough I’d do with one of my patients to examine the relationship they have with video games if brought up as a potential concern in one of our sessions.

Let’s start with how can you do it. FeelAre you able to play video games at the same time? It might sound silly, particularly if you’re screaming at your team members to keep up the load. Video games should be frictionless to eliminate any moments of emotional clarity. This can be good game design (or good manipulation, depending on your point of view) but it’s bad for emotional self-regulation. Breaks in action are necessary to evaluate whether or not you’re actually enjoying the current activity.

It is easiest to make a log of your emotions and write down the feelings every 15-30 min while playing. This can only be one word. Use a timer to remind you. For a few weeks you can keep this going. Then, review the results either with your mental health practitioner or yourself. You will likely find patterns in your emotional state while playing games or in the relationship between real life and gaming. (For example: “I notice that often when I play video games it is because I am sad after having a fight with a significant other.”)

Next, we will look at motivations. Why Are you a video gamer? It may seem like a stupid question but it is one thing that you learn as a therapist: how many people are not able to understand why they do certain things every day. It is one of the “Oh shit!” realizations clients often make first in therapy, finally investigating and understanding why they keep doing a behavior, especially if that behavior generally hurts their quality of life. We are constantly on an emotional autopilot for a staggering amount of time.

When I specifically ask about motivations to play games, clients will usually say it’s “because they are fun,” which is true, but as I do with them, I will ask you to go deeper. Is it the enjoyment of video games? What is it about working with other people to accomplish a goal? It is appealing to complete a task list. The possibility of making your character one percent better You want to escape reality for just a few hours. If you sit down and really think about it, I am sure the surface level feeling of “fun” will evolve into something more specific. This is the area we’ll want to explore more deeply.

It is possible to start working with the motivation behind your passion for video gaming once you have identified it. Your motivation will likely be instinctive once you’ve been identified. Avoid this. These motives can be neither positive nor negative. Even one like “escaping reality” isn’t inherently bad; it only becomes bad when it turns into avoidance. Getting pleasure from 100%-ing a region of the game map isn’t a problem; it only becomes one when you do it out of compulsion and not fun. Instead of trying to escape or fight the motivating factor, it is better to build a connection with it.

Since I also hail from the world of comedy, in deference to the “rule of threes,” here is a third and final step to take. If you find yourself playing video games to make up for something lacking in your daily life, ask yourself this question. To tie this in with the previous section: If you play video games to make connections and to collaborate with others, do you notice that most of your socialization takes place through games? While it is fine to have online friends and some are important parts of your daily life, we still need real-life relationships. That doesn’t mean rejecting your online friendships, but looking at whether developing a healthier IRL social life causes you to naturally play video games less than you once did. If you can address the issue, it will be easier than trying to curb it.

It is possible that you indulge in too many activities because they serve a harmful purpose. You play for 10 hours a day because it’s the only place in your life where you get a sense of accomplishment, where you connect with others, where you matter, etc. If you don’t address these underlying issues you will always turn to an activity that gives you some semblance or satisfaction.

This isn’t just coming from a clinical angle. My own personal history of videogame obsession is here. High school was lonely for me. I had very few friends. World of WarcraftMy social life was a continuation of my work. Frequently I’d just hop around Orgrimmar (Mannoroth Horde!) My guildmates and I talked endlessly via Ventrilo, as we chatted for hours. I would not have had friends without them.

If I had known then what I now know, I would have discovered that addiction is the root cause of my problems. World of WarcraftFor me, it was lack of friendships. I could have then worked to discover what was preventing me from making friends in “real life” and struck a better balance between my online social life and my in-person one. It was possible to have a healthy and positive relationship with the game. I was able to recognize what was driving me into it and was able to fix the problems in my life.

For that 16-year old, it is too late. My relationship with gaming is much better now, but time’s march means I can’t recoup that community I lost. You can only play the game if you understand and accept your motivations.