Duke Nukem would beat Mortal Kombat’s Scorpion in a fight—here’s why

Are you wearing pants right now? Well, you’d better take them off Fast, because you’re about to shit yourself. Get in the bathtub, right now, and get ready to rinse that shit off, because it’s time for the manliest video game match-up of all time: DUKE NUKEM versus SCORPION!!!

Surprise! You’re going to have to wipe all of that vomit and blood off of your shirt now, too!

Pop culture has a constant question: Who would win? This is why we are dedicating an entire week of debates to those who have influenced comics and movies as well as TV and gaming, both for good and bad. Polygon’s Week of Who Would Win? is upon us.

The Mortal Kombat tournament has yet to see a fighter with testicles as rock-hard as Duke Nukem’s. Duke is blessed with a frightening set of testes. As in, medical professionals would express extreme concern if they witnessed the sheer brassiness of these balls — but Duke isn’t about to let some doctor stroke his sweet sack. Unless that doctor was a hot babe, of course … but how would she maintain her professionalism around Duke Nukem?!?

I know what you’re thinking: If Duke’s already on Shang Tsung’s island, wouldn’t he want to shatter Johnny Cage’s sunglasses straight into that copycat’s eyeballs, splattering bits of his brain matter into a big goopy skull Slushie? No need. Duke already chomped down on that bag of wet noodles for dessert last night, and he didn’t even stick around for breakfast. This all-American, alien-fighting hero could only face a formidable opponent: Scorpion, the blazing hot ninja who’s been to Hell and back. Everybody’s ass is about to get lit the fuck up!! These pants were warned about.

Since the 1992 original, Scorpion barbecues idiots with a Weber gas-grill. Mortal Kombata brutally violent game that led to a group of miserable losers creating the ESRB. Out of everybody in the old-school lineup, Scorpion’s got the highest cool factor. You’d think the winner of that belt would be the icy cold Sub-Zero, but with a name like that, he sounds more like subordinateHe is iced out by zero.

Scorpion’s the hotter property when it comes to both hellfire machismo, and that’s not just because of the sting built into his moniker. Ever since his first appearance, Scorpion’s moveset has only gotten deadlier. We’re talking about big flaming arcs that sizzle right through his opponent’s torsos, sick beheadings, and literal teleportation. He’s got ninja speed times a billion.

And don’t even get us started on the ear-splitting lightning strike that is Scorpion’s catchphrase. Gamers know this secret: If you scream “Get over here!” at just the right timbre, Anyone Your command is so powerful that anyone who listens will spit in terror and scream “my lord and master” before clinging to your control. If you happen to also be wielding a kunai attached to a chain at the time, they will piss blood, weep, and whisper “my lord and master” before spontaneously combusting into a pure, undiluted jet-stream of semen. This phenomenon has been observed even by scientists in other bodies. The same rule applies to Satan. Do you need proof? You want proof?!

Photo by NetherRealm Studios

Now that Duke Nukem’s realized that he’s been stacked up against all that brimstone and brawn, his poor little skeleton must be wiggling right out of his asshole, trying to make a break for it. NOT!!!! It takes a lot more than some Satan-themed sparklers to intimidate Duke Fartin’ Nukem! What about that whole ninja Teleportation Trick? It sounds like a newbie who is afraid to confront his opponent. Cluck, cluck! Scorpion has just begun the chicken dance, so get a DJ for your wedding!!

Duke doesn’t have Satan on his side because he would never accept help from a two-faced delinquent. Duke Nukem only needs television, truth, justice and babes. The results speak for themselves: He’s an extraordinary specimen of man-meat who’s baffled alien and human scientists alike with his unmatched ability to Kick Fucking Ass!. More importantly, Duke’s got an arsenal of guns that includes a shrink ray. We shrunk hellspawn, honey!

There’s just one problem here: the cool factor. Duke’s got plenty of that, as millions of satisfied ladies would attest after leaving his bedroom. We haven’t heard any stories about Scorpion having sex for 10 hours. Plus, all that burning — doesn’t sound good for the crotch zone, huh, ladies? What’s more, Duke Nukem never met an action hero one-liner that he couldn’t repeat verbatim to an impressionable young audience of gamers who may or may not have heard those lines from Duke before they heard them from John McClane, Dirty Harry, or the Terminator. What we’re saying is, Duke’s cool factor is sky-high. The only reason that’s a problem: Duke Nukem doesn’t actually have a health bar. The only thing that drives him is his pure, undiluted self-interest. And that means that if his ego takes a hit, he’s down for the count!!! BURNED.

That’s a serious weakness for ol’ Duke. But the problem is bigger. Duke Nukem’s ego has taken a lot of hits in the past couple of decades. While Mortal Kombat was a hit ever since it’s inception, Duke Nukem is so far outdated that the majority of those who clicked this link have stopped looking at it.

Gearbox Software/2K Games

Take note Duke Nukem Forever? Duke and we would prefer not to. Contrary to the games that were played in the initial series, which are at most examples of good camp, this one is not. Duke Nukem ForeverThis was the weirdest game ever. It’s the game that weaponized literal pieces of shit. We all want a Duke Nukem game that makes us shit ourselves in excitement, but we don’t want to see Duke picking up pieces of shit and throwing it. I mean, OK, it’s badass in a “terrifying primate urges” sort of way, but that’s not exactly the vibe, you know?

Since then, Duke has been retired — smoking cigars, crushing beer cans, and entertaining a never-ending stream of beautiful babes. He’s a relic of a more machismo-addled time in video gaming, his pants-shittingly cool ass-kicking antics relegated to the history books (if old issues of GamePro count as history books, which they do). The Mortal Kombat tournament is his big chance to prove he’s still got it.

Meanwhile, Scorpion never stopped being cool. You might even say he’s gotten complacent. He’s a mainstay, an undeniable cultural icon who’ll be endlessly associated with bloody battles that got censored by concerned moms. But he’s also had it too good for too long. He is cool, but he lacks character, pizzazz or flavor. It’s just You can find them hereIt’s like a chip of baked potato screaming for onions dip.

Duke Nukem is that onion dip, and he’s going to slather that thick, white cream all over Scorpion’s grateful body. Duke Nukem has been the most famous cinematic badass, having quoted all of them and more.Brokeback MountainWhile preparing for the meal of his boss’s testicles. He is So Straight and So masculine that he cancels himself out, becoming both homoerotic and sexless — like if a naked Ken doll and a naked GI Joe doll laid down on top of each other in the dark, cold recesses of an attached garage for Barbie’s dream house.

It’s 2022. It’s 2022. Duke Nukem’s ego has been rekindled at last. And that is why, in the end, he will rip the eyeballs from Scorpion’s head and eat them like grapes, squeeze off Scorpion’s ballsack faster than he opens a twist-off beer bottle, and beat Scorpion’s beefy behind ’til it’s bruised and bloody. Scorpion will bow down to his epic master of manliness, on his lips the whispered acceptance of his crushing defeat: “Hail to the king, baby.”