Chris Pratt’s Mario movie voice is even worse than we thought

Could a Mario sounded as “wahoo” if he spoke in another accent? We’re about to find out, now that Super Mario Bros. Movie is out and Chris Pratt’s performance as the jumping red-hatted plumber is being put to the test.

Since the trailer was released, his voice acting has caused much consternation and concern. The first audio revealed vocal options that were not quite right. vaguely Italian at best, and as the world waited for the movie, fans didn’t know what to think. Were we truly going to allow Chris Pratt to do a 90 minute movie? House of Gucci bit? Is Mario still able to talk?

Chris Pratt kept the conversation going throughout all of it His agenda is being promotedPromo tour: claiming that once people have been to the event, they will be back. Please see the movie, they’ll hear what he’s going for. After all, as the man has said, he’s been playing Mario games for 30 years — he knows what an Italian plumber from Brooklyn transported to the Mushroom Kingdom in his infancy by a stork sounds like.

Yet, there are still many things to do And yet! Folks, let me tell you what I saw! Super Mario Bros. Movie, and almost all I could think about was what was going on with Chris Pratt’s voice. I was consumed by it, as if my mental warp pipe were my personal prisoner, each time that little plumber-man spoke. It’s hard to say whether it’d be easier if Pratt had just not committed to any purposeful vocal choices at all. Instead, his Mario exists in a strange middle zone, where Mario is unevenly seasoned with… some sort of accent. It’s Mario by way of Brooklyn by way of turning the volume dial down, but smashing it back up for the odd Easter egg.

In a way, Pratt wasn’t kidding when he called this voice “unlike anything you’ve heard.” In another very real way, I will be thinking about my aural journey through Super Mario Bros.’ Mushroom Kingdom for a long, long time. It’s an experience that can only be summed up in chronological order, as a descent into the mundane whispers of madness that is Chris Pratt’s Aggressively Fine Mario voice.

[Ed. note: I guess this post almost vaguely spoils The Super Mario Bros. Movie, but really mostly by hazily outlining the lines where Chris Pratt and others stand out with their performances. If you are particularly precious about spoilers, or just want to be surprised about how you’ll really react to Pratt’s Mario voice, come back after you’ve seen the film.]

It all starts with an ad

Super Mario Bros. Film directors Aaron Horvath and Michael Jelenic think they’re being cute when they introduce us to Pratt’s Mario (and his superior brother, Luigi, voiced by Charlie Day) via an exaggerated commercial for their plumbing business. Do you really need this to last an hour and a quarter? Wouldn’t that be a little cheap?

Here’s the thing: The exaggerated accent is exhausting, and it’s 100% better than what’s in store next.

Mario defends his brother

And we finally get the reveal: Mario’s “regular” speaking voice in this movie has a Brooklyn accent. Type of. To quote Chris Pratt’s Mario from the major motion picture trailer for Super Mario Bros. Movie: “Heah we go.”

Mario says “mamma mia” in slow motion

Is that you? I understand we’re not committing to the Mario parlance, but we’re just going to make a mockery of Mario and his catchphrases? Okay, okay, one reference is too much.

We’re in the Mushroom Kingdom!

And we’ve abandoned the accent entirely. It’s just Andy Dwyer, chasing after a little toadstool. Thanks, Nintendo!

Oh, never mind, he just asked Peach about “Bowsa”?

Image: Nintendo, Illumination/Universal Pictures

So apparently we’re just doing an uneven “Nicole Kidman in Big Little Lies” thing. The accent will slip out of Mario intermittently like a Piranha Plant slipping out of its pot to attack an unsuspecting plumber, and every once in a while, we’ll be thrust back into the world in which Mario has any sort of identity beyond “red hat guy.”

“I got this, a-no problem”

Case in point: When Mario goes to prove himself on the Mushroom Kingdom obstacle course, he’s back to being our favorite little excessively Italian video game icon.

Bowser says “Oh ho ho ho — wedding bells!” and sanity is briefly restored

Image: Nintendo, Illumination/Universal Pictures

Jack Black remains the movie’s MVP, and this line reading is exactly why. His voice is deep and gruff, and yet he’s balancing being Bowser without losing the Jack Black-ness of his performance! You can imagine his voice booming out over any Bowser’s Castle levels, carrying over the lava pits of a Mario Kart game, or echoing through Super Mario GalaxyWe could have some game time and listen to his thoughts.

By contrast, Pratt’s Mario is like a Xerox of a La Croix flavor: an already pale imitation made all the more nonsensical by the exercise. I get that Mario isn’t much of a character to play off of, but Mario actually isn’t supposed to lose to Bowser.

Peach warns Toad about danger, and he growls: “I fear nothing”

You can also go there AreYou can find ways to fit within the Nintendo character framework, while still pushing the boundaries, such as Keegan Michael Key’s work with Toad. Pratt as Mario is sort of doing that — he definitely isn’t just using his own voice. But it doesn’t amount to much more than feeling a little FearGo Full Mario.

Peach admires a scenic vista, and Mario says “mamma mia”

Image: Nintendo, Illumination/Universal Pictures

I said you get oneThis was something I made very clear about. Commit or don’t, but don’t be wishy-washy about it.

“It’s-a me, Mario,” said in a battle with Donkey Kong (again in slo-mo)

We get it, he’s not gonna commit to the voice. You can’t knock this crap off.

“All right, giant monkey!”

Image: Nintendo, Illumination/Universal Pictures

Chris Pratt finally feels like a character, and this character is Billy Crystal.

He does the “wahoo” on Rainbow Road

Sure, OK, I’ll give him that one. Is it not possible? It’s clear that the movie is letting Mario be talked Around more than it’s giving him a real voice in this whole affair; true to the game, Mario seems to chatter the least of the various canonical characters, and at this point, that’s “A-OK” with me.

Mario says “you asked for it” during a battle

Okay, no problem, stop. You’re bumming everyone out.

Mario picks himself up to go back to battle with “let’s-a go”

I would like to be free from this mortal coil.

Good news: Mario wins. The movie is over.

Image: Nintendo, Illumination/Universal Pictures

And with that, we close the book on the Super Mario Bros.’ first animated theatrical adventure, and Pratt’s Mario has gotten his happy ending by saving his hapless brother Luigi. The movie ends on a high note: Mario and Luigi wake up in their house, get dressed for work, and step outside into the Mushroom Kingdom, where they’ve made their home (and still use the same types of plumbing tools; who knows why).

The real triumph is perhaps ours. There’s very little talk in the final scenes, and we can finally put this whole accent thing behind us — unless that final credits scene has something to say about the future of Chris Pratt’s Mario adventures. That Luma is right: When will mercy arrive?