Why Jack Black’s take on Bowser in the Mario movie rules

I entered Super Mario Bros. MovieWithout much to say about Bowser’s character, I was a different woman.

He was the bad guy, and he wanted Princess Peach to be kidnapped. But that was all I knew. Mario Party, Mario Kart, and Mario Party are my main Mario games. They’re mainly about playing with other people in a multiplayer environment, rather than diving into the Mushroom Kingdom’s lore. Going into the movie, I expected Bowser to be that same big bad guy — and I was right, to an extent.

However Super Mario Bros. Movie version of Bowser isn’t just the King of the Koopas who wants to selfishly kidnap a princess — he actually has a big ol’ crush on her, and thinks she’s just the coolest, prettiest girl in the world. Jack Black, who plays Bowser masterfully alternates between an anxious man and a conquering emperor. Not only does he nervously practice his marriage proposal with his Magikoopa advisor Kamek, he also writes a whole song for her at the piano, crooning “Peaches, Peaches, Peaches, Peaches, Peaches,” in the same improvisational way that I use when I make up songs on the spot about my cat. Beneath that formidable and powerful exterior, there’s an awkward, shy personality that blushes when his crush does something cute.

This version of Bowser, dear reader, captured my heart.

I know people have historically been thirsty for Bowser for as long as they’ve been able to draw and share horny fan art. The sexy possibilities of villainy is what I understand. It is something I can understand. But at the same time, I never really resonated with it, because the Mario games didn’t necessarily seem capable of fueling shipping desires. There’s no real romantic potential in them, and that’s fine.

Now I understand Bowser’s thirst. The Koopa I saw behind that rough and gruff exterior is the Koopa. What a sweet, adorable Koopa! Bowser would be my smooch too.

So, dear Bowser — specifically Super Mario Bros. Movie (2023) Bowser as played by Jack Black — please know that even though Princess Peach might not accept your hand in marriage, Princess Petrana most certainly will. I’m not turned off by your desire to conquer the world. In fact, that’s a bonus to me. As long as I am able to rule with you, and as long as my side is pampered as well as your hand in the victory over all odds, I’m happy.

Graphic: Petrana Radulovic/Polygon | Source images: Nintendo, Illumination/Universal Pictures, Petrana Radulovic

The new Mario movie version of Bowser isn’t just a capable leader — he also has a sensitive side! Yeah, OK, maybe he doesn’t take rejection with as much maturity as he ought to, but at the same time, I think Peach makes a snap judgment about his proposal without full consideration. Bowser’s appearance is what she judges based on her preconceived notions. He snaps! He’s insecure!

That’s OK, because her loss is my gain. Bowser is an enormous, scaly reptile man. I was in love with Garrus Vakarian when Mass Effect came out. I acknowledge that there’s some work to be put into this relationship, but at the same time, I think I can fix him. All the elements are there — the devotion, the sensitivity, the power. Bowser is a villainous foe, just like Namor. He has great ambition and strength, but he also has a gentle side. It’s just a matter of tapping into that side a little more. It is possible to work together.

Also, I would look cool and sexy as a supreme empress over Bowser’s kingdom and the surrounding domains, but that is a story for another time. Peach can stay on as a figurehead in the Mushroom Kingdom, but let’s be real: It’s not like she’s been doing much as a ruler, other than being very good at an obstacle course.

(For what it’s worth, I asked my husband what he thinks of my proposed arrangement with Bowser. He replied, “No comment.”)

Bowser (specifically This Bowser in This film), this is my official application for Princess Of The Koopas. I’ll be waiting for your answer, and practicing my platforming skills.

Super Mario Bros. MovieIt’s available now in cinemas