Who would win: Sparrow Academy or Umbrella Academy?

Season 3 The Umbrella AcademyOpened with Umbrella Academy, they meet a foe that they didn’t expect: themselves. The Hargreeves children that they discover in their new home aren’t an alternate version of themselves but they do provide a humorous mirror of the realities of daily life. CouldWhat would it have looked like if a variety of variables were different? The Sparrow Academy is a very well-oiled machine, at least when you look from the outside.

So, it’s no surprise that the Umbrella academies and Sparrow academy academies start fighting. With a six-on-seven brawl, there’s a lot of moving parts. However, in the event of a contest between members of the team, who will win? We are glad you asked.

The academy members were paired against each other’s numeral counterpart. Since this is a one-on-one showdown, we’re also assuming a world in which Umbrella Ben is alive and well, just for numbers’ sake. Is it possible to make the Umbrella Academy more successful by having an entire team? Let’s find out.

Number Ones: Luther and Marcus

Photo: Christos Kalohoridis/Netflix

Photo: Christos Kalohoridis/Netflix

Which are their capabilities? Both family leaders have super-strength — though Luther also has the body of an ape.

The final showdownWhile I love Luther dearly, Marcus is clearly better-trained and more coordinated than Luther. If Luther had not spent four years crying on the moon, would they have been more equal in their matches? It is impossible to know.

Marcus was the Winner — Even though they have the exact same power set Marcus is more like a Chad then Luther.

Number Twos: Diego vs. Sparrow Ben

Photo: Christos Kalohoridis/Netflix

Netflix Photo

Which are their capabilities? Diego is able to manipulate the trajectory of anything he throws, as well as anything thrown at him — including bullets. But he doesn’t seem to realize that this ability exists. Ben is able to summon terrifying tentacles out of his stomach.

The final showdown While Diego’s You are wantedAlthough his knife-throwing style is powerful, it’s not as strong as it seems. At the end of season 2 he curbed a whole wall of bullets, and yet he’s still mostly stuck throwing knives. Considering Diego is kind of a dummy — and that Sparrow Ben is actually pretty ruthless — this seems like another easy win for the better-organized red team.

Sparrow Ben was the Winner — tentacles beat knives.

Number Threes: Allison vs. Fei

Photo: Christos Kalohoridis/Netflix

Image courtesy of Netflix

Which are their capabilities?Allison can command anyone with just four words. There are times this season where it seems her real power might be greater if she honed it more. Fei manifests deadly crows that not only attack her enemies, but also serve as her eyes — she can send them to spy on people and view attacks from different angles.

The final showdown

Zosha: …I Take a look at these ideas Allison? Because even though she loses in a fight-fight, she just needs to get four words in, basically, and it’s over.

Petrana: Yes. Fei has never slit her throat. But still, all Allison would need to win is to say “I heard a rumor all your birds died.”

Zosha: Whoa yikes true! Is Fei capable of making more money? Who’s to say, but I think if Allison was just able to talk at all and was focused/had her killer instinct enough, it’d be an easy win.

Winner: Allison — assuming she can hone her killer instinct to fight smart and not hard.

Number Fours: Klaus vs. Alphonso

Netflix Photo

Image courtesy of Netflix

Which are their capabilities? When he’s not otherwise inebriated, Klaus can commune with the dead, as well as conjure their spirits. He can also bring himself back from death (and maybe more), though season 2 is the first to really test that. Alphonso’s body reverses any damage it takes upon the person inflicting the damage. In simpler terms, if you punch him in the face, you’ll feel that face punch instead.

The final showdown This fight is especially interesting because Klaus cannot die and Alphonso must be saved. Klaus isn’t a big fighter, but all he has to do is It is not stay dead. So basically, they are destined to duel for all eternity — or at least until some external event kills Alphonso, or Klaus gets bored and decides to just embrace the afterlife. And considering Klaus’ short attention span and cowardly ways, the latter is probably more likely to happen.

Winner: Draw — this is a classic case of unstoppable force meets immovable object.

Number Fives Five vs. Sloane

Image courtesy of Netflix

Netflix Photo

Which are their capabilities?Five can create portals that enable him to teleport. His time-travel ability is also limited. Sloane has the ability to alter gravity for objects and people.

The final showdown Sloane looks like a classic superhero. She can control everything with her brain. Five, however, is a scrappy little guy who, having spent a lot of time with the Time Bureau has developed a killer instinct. His fighting style is deft, dynamically adapting to his surroundings and the other person’s fighting style. All it’d take is letting Sloane get in a single lick and he’d likely adapt to popping around and punching her.

The winner: Five — his powers just improve on his formidable fighting skills, and Sloane’s not really a brutal enough fighter.

Number Sixes: Umbrella Ben vs. Jayme

Photo: Christos Kalohoridis/Netflix

Image courtesy of Netflix

Which are their capabilities?Ben, like the Sparrow version can summon tentacles using his body. Jayme sprays poison that makes people hallucinate.

The final showdown While Ben’s tentacles could theoretically apprehend Jayme, this version of Ben is a softie and Jayme is the type of person to hiss at you in a convenience store just because you looked at her wrong. In a fight, Jayme — who also benefits from the Sparrow training regimen — should be able to avoid Ben’s tentacles and get an opportunity to spit on him. While he’s hallucinating, that gives her the perfect opportunity to go in for the kill.

Jayme was the Winner — All she has to do now is dreeaaaammm.

Number Sevens: Viktor vs. Christopher

Photo: Christos Kalohoridis/Netflix

Image courtesy of Netflix

Which are their capabilities?Viktor is capable of manipulating sound waves. This can be used to create energy, force-field generation and weather control. He must be in direct contact with sound to achieve his abilities. Christopher is able to manipulate temperature, induce fear in the mind of other beings and tase them (basically).

The final showdown Viktor nearly ended the world twice without really trying. Considering those times had a lot to do with Viktor losing control of his emotions, it seems Christopher’s main power to make Viktor afraid would just make his situation worse.

Viktor is the winner — We should also mention the fact that he tried to end all things in this world. Double?