Video games hurt my hands, then helped fix them

Just 20 minutes after the server for battle royale shoter was closed, one day of the 2020 claustrophobic Summer. Apex LegendsMy panic attacks escalated and I went into complete depression. This should have been indicative of a problem, but at the time, it wasn’t.

The game was my April discovery. I was attracted to the game because of its colorful graphics. It was clear that I would have lots of free time after being expelled from university due to the COVID-19 epidemic. Rudderless and not particularly flush with cash, I sought something free — a game I could sink hours of my time into, and potentially satiate a much-craved social connection through, all without having to spend a penny. Trailers Apex LegendsThey were vibrant, engaging and punchy. I also liked the diverse cast of characters. I decided to download it.

The thing about competitive shooters is that they’re It is a notorious fact addictive. For the wrong person, it can be a vicious circle. Fans all over the world prove daily that many people can enjoy this kind of game in moderation without tilting themselves into a mental health episode, but at the time, I wasn’t one of them.

Did you ever think to yourself that I would like to be better at video games, but it wouldn’t ruin my life? This week is dedicated to health and video games.

I was completely new to the first-person shooting genre. However, my love for guns and their blazing gameplay motivated me to continue trying. After a couple of months, I acquired a slate of top-of-the-range peripherals in the hopes that it would enhance my performance, and my collection of in-game cosmetics similarly swelled — voiding my original intention that the game be free. In order to get to Platinum, I was consumed with the ranking mode. Apex launched on Steam that November, I’d racked up a solid 600 hours in my pursuit of “getting good.” My obsession, though I didn’t register it at the time, gave me purpose. A world in which I was a college dropout with a disability, and trapped by the coronavirus. Apex LegendsMy only joy was playing the game, and the best thing I did was get better.

My wrist hurt.

A local physical therapist recommended that I use ice on my wrists and support my wrists. He suggested tendonitis. I had no reason to believe that this pain was connected to similar discomfort I’d suffered before, in weeklong bouts following strenuous activity that came and went like the wind, or the frequent body aches that had been dismissed as “growing pains” since childhood. The game was blocked and I continued my daily life. This led to an unhealthy commitment that eventually became a problem. We rang in 2019 with winning matches, but when we woke up Jan. 1, 2021, our friendship was gone. I couldn’t even hold one glass of water.

I have a deep understanding of the symptoms and treatments that are available. It is something I am familiar with, having suffered from poor health throughout my entire life. But I’d never been in pain before. This was different. My right wrist burned constantly, which was both mentally and physically debilitating. I couldn’t cook; I couldn’t write; my parents had to cut up my food before serving it because I was unable to hold a knife. My 21st birthday was celebrated with no alcohol. Then I took as many painkillers and alcohol as possible. Soon, my left wrist went awry. My small fingers and upper arms followed, then my entire body went bonkers.

Before finally being placed on the September waiting list for a private specialist, nine months of miserable misery followed. I played as many games as my crippled, useless digits. My hobbies were all about using my hands. Being an introverted creative type, I had to be bed-bound for long periods.

After finally receiving a diagnosis I realized that there was no miracle cure. A disorder called joint hypermobility syndrome affects people with very flexible joints and causes them pain. My pain was triggered by inactivity over 18 months and the degeneration of muscles that support my joints. This contrasts with my constant gaming hands. Although symptoms of JHS are manageable with physiotherapy, and can often be alleviated as you age, they are incurable. Still, this wasn’t the blow you might think. A diagnosis for me was hope. And since I knew the cause of my problem, I was able to try and fix it.

With my physiotherapist, one of my goals was to play games again. The social pleasure that games with friends provided was just as important to me than the stories and explorations of single-player video games. Although I was unable to continue playing with the same focus as before JHS, the mental and physical consequences of the disease had cured that desire. It was only because both my care teams believed I could still play that I felt able to do so.

Following several weeks of intense physical therapy I was finally able to hold the controller once again. Regular, normal use of my joints helped my therapy. Naturally I decided to play BloodborneOne of the most difficult and thematically dark video games ever made,. Never have I claimed common sense. Somehow, the story, combat and community called out to me during my injuries, as well as through my research. Apex, I surprisingly found I wasn’t alone.

It is ironic that Souls-like games like BloodborneThese are the extremities of difficulty that face Dark Souls and developer FromSoftware’s other titles, have frequently generated discussions around accessibility. Some players find it impossible to play the game. However, this may not be true for everyone. Individuals with disabilities might find difficulty with the game’s oblique design or button-mashing. My own search history was awash with questions like ‘Can you play Bloodborne with a disability?’ and ‘Is Bloodborne depressing?’ — but to my relief, I found a gold mine of success stories.

Contextually, BloodborneThe game’s creator is not afraid to say that disabilities should be taken seriously and shouldn’t hold anyone back. One of the game’s earliest scares features a wheelchair-bound enemy shooting you in the back, and one of the game’s final bosses similarly spends the run time using a mobility aid right up until he unceremoniously kicks your ass. Some disabled gamers feel at home in the game’s world. BloodborneHandicapableOne, and others have defeated Souls bosses by using non-traditional controls.

The inherent message behind all Soulslike games seems to be: Where there’s a will, there’s a way. Every title promises death but Bloodborne’s bosses set themselves up to be impossible because they wantIt will help you overcome this challenge. A strange phenomenon emerged in the genre because of it. Posts and video essays with titles like “Dark Souls saved my life” can be found across the internet, where fellow sufferers of mental and physical health issues have found solace in the behavioral activation and self-efficacy offered by the style of gameplay. Multiplayer shooters don’t always give you the same sense of achievement as learning-driven combat systems. The goal is to battle other players indefinitely. BloodborneLet me conquer my demons forever, and Rom the Vacuous Spider finally knocked me on my ass. This boosted me to take control of my depression, while also providing me with regular joint exercise.

Finally, I played. Apex LegendsAgain, I did it with the main purpose of having fun with friends. Despite playing far fewer hours, I discovered I was still able to steadily improve at the game, and I finally hit Platinum — a triumph made all the sweeter considering I was no longer destroying myself to do it.

I still feel daily pain. For the foreseeable future, I will. It is not possible to get good at playing video games. It can be used as a crutch to solve deeper issues, and it can physically and mentally make you feel like a wreck. But, if approached with care it can also serve as an enjoyable hobby that can lift players. It is important to practice moderation, and be kind. It’s perfectly normal to want to be better at a game, or defeat a certain enemy, but it’s never worth running yourself into the ground over it.

A year on, I still haven’t beaten Bloodborne, and I don’t need to. Knowing that I have the ability to do so in my own way is key.