Ranking Riverdale’s sexiest, deadliest, and most ridiculous moments

[Ed. note: This piece contains extreme spoilers for all of the very wild — and often very plot relevant — moments that made Riverdale such a delightfully unhinged piece of television.]

The world changed forever on Wednesday, Aug. 23, as Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa’s camp masterpiece RiverdaleThe show ended. It was a nostalgic ending that played on the weirdness of the series and offered some satisfying payoffs. Now that the entire seven-season masterwork is available on Netflix, it’s the perfect time to look back at what made RiverdaleSo special: The absurd storylines you must see to be believed.

So we’ve done the hard work of finding the wildest Riverdale sequences and the shocking events they inspired, and we’ve ranked them using highly scientific techniques and fancy decimal points. We’re breaking down some of the most sexiest and ridiculous scenes from Riverdale.

Please keep in mind that there are many crossovers between the categories, so be sure to go with your open-mindedness, as well as your weirdo sense of humor. We have chosen an unconventional ranking system to try and reflect the intricacy and complexity of any given decision. Riverdale.

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Riverdale’s sexiest moments

Is any of this a real fuckup? It’s unclear, but there are some horny folks in Riverdale!

10. Archie trying to win over Veronica’s dad by wrestling him. Now that’s hot!

10a. When that didn’t work, Archie tried to get into the “family business.”

10b. He failed. So he tried to “make his bones” with the family mob business??

10c. In case you aren’t aware, that means he was willing to kill a man to get Hiram to like him.

9. Betty is pole dancing before the entire town, and her mother wants to be in a gang

9a. Don’t judge her, it was an initiation to join the Southside Serpents gang!

9b. And yes, she did sing “Mad World” (the Gary Jules version) while doing the striptease.

8. Archie founding an untopless vigilante squad

8a. Archie did bring together Riverdale’s hottest teens after his father was killed to combat crime.

8b. 8b. They made threats videos while wearing balaclavas with no shirt.

8g. Red Circle is an Archie Comics old line.

8x. In a perfectly meta twist, they’d change their name to Dark Circle, which the Red Circle comics line was renamed in 2015 when it relaunched. The comic book version is sexy!

7. A Veronica, who was underage at the time, opened a speakeasy in her neighborhood for teenagers

7a. Every night, there were guaranteed sultry performances by Veronica and friends, like Josie McCoy’s opening night performance of “Anything Goes.”

7e. Or how about the time that Veronica delayed her Columbia acceptance interview — in the club — because she “had promised the crowd a floor show” and then she performed “Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting” in front of the Columbia recruiter? Television!

6. Veronica goes full John Waters on Archie and Archie’s juvies

6a. Veronica wanted to make Archie feel better when he was in jail after her father framed him for murder. The whole cheerleading team went to do a Cry-Baby-inspired performance outside of the jail — which, of course, was just separated from the parking lot by some mesh fencing.

5. Toni & Cheryl kissing for the first time, but not before a prison break!

5a. Toni, in order to rescue her lover, Cheryl, from the Sisters of Perpetual Mercy, staged a dramatic breakout. Although the conversion aspect is clearly a part of the film, Unsexy, your hot gang member girlfriend breaking you out like she’s Sarah Connor and then having your first kiss is definitely hot!

4. Veronica tries to create a legend in the form of a triversal trio

4a. The multiverse is real. RiverdaleTwo Reggies appear in the same time line. Veronica tried what any other person would and had a trio with the two Reggies.

4c. The Reggies’ plan may have failed but one would go on to form a threesome with Archie, even though her original idea had been thwarted.

3. Archie watching Reggie in a gay wrestling video

3a. They were inspired to examine their sexuality by the queer 1950s Stag Movie.

3c. The threesome was (off screen) a sexworker.

3f. After saying goodbye, they ended the night with a kiss. Aw, romance.

2. The endgame reveal that Archie, Betty, Jughead, and Veronica were in a “quad”

2a. This was revealed to us through a series of flashbacks which showed the multiple connections between four people.

2b. Betty and Veronica kissed in front of a fireplace.

2c. And Veronica broke everyone’s heart by moving to LA to take over Hollywood.

2z. This doesn’t make it to No. This isn’t the No. 1 just because RiverdaleIn an unusual moment of cowardice chose to hide or deny that Archie was also dating Jughead.!

1. Cheryl and Toni are now Harley and Ivy, thanks to corporate synergy

1a. In case you were worried that this wasn’t part of some larger shenanigans, don’t, because the pair were dressed that way as part of their Halloween seance to contact the spirit of the triplet that Cheryl’s grandma claimed that our fave redhead had absorbed in the womb!

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Riverdale’s deadliest moments

From bear fights to poisoned Kool-Aid, it’s hard to stay alive in the Town with Pep.

10. The murder of Jason Blossom, a twin brother who may be incestuous with his sister.

10a. His sister Cheryl made an impressive entrance to his funeral.

10b. To which Kevin Keller basically said “Yes, girl!” at a FUNERAL of a murdered teen.

10j. The story gets even stranger when we learn that Jason’s father murdered him.

10x. Why did he make this decision? To cover his drug smuggling maple syrup business! Duh!

10z. But that wasn’t the last we’d see of Jason. There’s more on this down the list.

9. Veronica’s wedding (and other disasters) is a direct result of the time-jump.

9a. After the time skip, it’s revealed that Veronica is a business maven and (un)happily married.

9b. Chad Gecko’s abusive wife tried to murder her and Archie at least three times.

9c. He fails in his last attempt to kill Veronica when she shoots him out of self-defense.

8. Remember when Cheryl kept Jason’s dead body in her basement for literal months?

8a. We’re not joking — she hid it in the chapel and regularly visited.

8d. She even tried to gaslight her girlfriend into believing they were being haunted by him so that she didn’t have to get rid of his — very well-preserved — corpse.

8z. Cheryl decided to give him an informal Viking funeral on the shores of the lake.

7. Archie fighting with a bear

7a. Sure, he didn’t die… but he absolutely should have.

7b. He dragged his body back into the cabin.

7c. And he was walking upright and doing his SATs before you could say “bear attack.”

7f. He did have to fight a bear again, as part of a whole overnight test of the core four by Cheryl’s mom. But again, he survived and did more fighting that night, so it’s not like we have to rank this higher on the list.

6. Riverdale’s Canadian-themed mob boss trying to take over the town

6a. Papa Poutine is one of the most popular foods in Canada. Riverdale’s most legendarily named characters.

6b. Over a poker game with Hiram, the pair got into a feud because of Pop’s poutine. Papa Poutine thought it was disrespectful that Pop didn’t use cheese curds. Hiram didn’t like Papa Poutine disrespecting Pop or his diner.

6c. So, Hiram (allegedly) had Papa Poutine shot in the head after Veronica’s confirmation.

5. The gang performed Carrie and the show went horribly wrong

5a. You’re like, Wait, that doesn’t sound very deadly? Big “well, actually” for you coming up…

5b. What is the truth?The musical concluded with Midge’s murder The Onstage Experience.

5m. They wore black cheerleading outfits to the funeral.

5v. 5v. You ask funny questions…

4. Betty’s dad being revealed as one of Riverdale’s many, many serial killers

4a. Not only that, but he was just following in his dad’s footsteps, ’cause he was also a murderer.

4b. Both killers are on a crusade against sin in Riverdale…

4y. But, in a shocking twist, we learn Cheryl’s mom, Penelope, was masterminding the crimes the whole time.

3. A D&D knockoff — created in a convent— inspiring multiple deaths over decades

3a. Also known as Gryphons and gargoylesThe game caused kids to drink Kool-Aid and die.

3b. The game was played by both the parents and children of Riverdale in modern times.

3c. Gryphons and gargoylesAlso inspired by the horrifying Gargoyle king serial killer.

3d&d. The costumed killer was later revealed to be none other than Chic, Betty’s fake half-brother.

2. Jughead’s private school teacher defenestrating himself in the middle of class

2a. Why did it happen? He was blackmailed, by the Quill and Skull secret society.

2b. The society exists only to publish. Riverdale’s “in-universe” Hardy Boys books, known as the Baxter Brothers. It’s all very Donna Tartt’s Secret History, dahling!

2e. The Quill and Skull tried to murder Jughead after he had won a competition for writing.

2o. Literally every player on Riverdale assisted Jughead in faking his own death.

2x, y, & z. The storyline continued all season long with Betty, Veronica and Archie being accused of his death.

1. Veronica hits her father for attempting to kill Archie

1a. Then I was shocked to find out that he had died.

1b. They were literally wailing and shocked that the body of his bullet-riddled, burned victim had been discovered.

1c. Although She’s taken out the Hit!!!

1x. This hunky man is gone.

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Riverdale’s most ridiculous moments

There are so many to choose from that it is impossible to list them all. However, here are a few of the best.

10. Veronica’s dad framing Archie for murder

10a. Archie accepted a guilty plea for manslaughter.

10b. Archie, of course, went to jail…

10c. …where he gave his extremely iconic “epic highs and lows of high school football” speech.

9. Jughead’s iconic “I’m a weirdo” speech

9w. In case you haven’t noticed, he’s weird. He’s a weirdo.

9x. He doesn’t fit in. And he doesn’t want to fit in.

9y. Has he ever been seen without his stupid hat?

9z. THAT’S WEIRD!

8. Hiram being put behind bars by Veronica

8a. Sure, this wouldn’t be You can also find out more about us here.It was ridiculous but he left his jail because it belonged to him.

8b. Once out, he decided to ruin his daughter’s life via cease-and-desist orders for her rum brand.

8c. He also revealed that he was the father of a daughter called Hermosa, a secret child no one else knew.

8h. It would result in a business conflict between father and daughter.

8k. Hiram only revealed his degenerative condition when the battle was over.

8t. Hiram beat up the men on the streets to quickly cure his terminal illness.

8z. I am aware this sounds absolutely fake, but this really showcases how quickly the show moves through this plotline: His recovery is revealed at the dinner table with a single flashback to him beating up men while he talks about how he’s beating his illness through exercise. lol.

7. Dark Betty is introduced in an episode named for a Brian De Palma movie

7a. She was the darker version of Betty who covered an unsettling footballer in maple syrup.

7b. She then tried to drown her husband in the hot tub of a party at a swimming pool while wearing lingerie.

7c. Dark Betty would appear throughout early seasons, representing Betty’s dark side. But it didn’t stop there…

6. Betty getting diagnosed with the very real, totally not made-up “serial killer gene”

6a. After her father was outed as a killer, Alice revealed to Betty she had “the serial killer gene.”

6b. It was this that haunted Betty, and made her remember being taught by her father how to become a serial murderer.

6f. She did what was logical and joined her school’s teen FBI.

6n. Charles, her half-brother was the leader of the teen FBI.

6q. But surprise! But surprise!

6w. Charles and Chic asked Alice to get married.

5. Edgar Evernever’s organ harvesting cult is coming to Riverdale

5a. They quickly brainwashed almost the whole town into joining “The Farm.”

5f. Soon kids were having operations to remove their “sins” (aka, their organs).

5h. Betty is trying to fight them off to free her mom, but The Farm captures her.

5m. Luckily, Betty’s mom, Alice, isn’t really indoctrinated… She’s an Undercover FBI Agent

5w. Edgar tried escaping in a rocket he had made, dressed as Evel.

5x. But his reign came to an end when Alice killed him in cold blood, because she’s in the FBI, obvz.

3. That time Hiram Lodge put a bomb under Archie’s bed that created a pocket dimension

3a. Hiram was trying to kill Archie in the final episode of Season 5, but created Rivervale.

3b. Rivervale is a new universe, where all things are the same yet different.

3f. Archie’s sacrifice was made almost instantly by Cheryl, a witch coven and Archie.

3j. Jughead was forced to create a parallel universe version of him to continue making Riverdale comics indefinitely to help everyone find their way to the main. Riverdale universe.

3x. Oh! And let’s not forget, when they made it back to the main universe, Archie, Betty, and Jughead had all gained superpowers! Because in RiverdaleAnything is possible and can occur.

2. The comet that was cursed by the wizard and going to hit Riverdale

2a. Cheryl could only stop the attack by channeling her dead ancestors.

2b. But that wasn’t enough, so Veronica had to give Cheryl everyone’s superpowers.

2c. What was the way she gave them to Cheryl? Via a kiss, of course, which led to the iconic Veronica line: “It’s not queerbaiting, it’s saving the world.”

2f. As a surprise, this plan resulted in the crew being stuck in the 50s during the last season.

2z. Why? Why?

1. Tabitha becomes the Guardian Angel of Riverdale

1a. She then became a time-traveling multiversal to save her town.

1b-z. She saved the multiverse in the end by combining all of its universes.

1fin. It was at this point that she reached her peak when she gave back the memories of residents in 1950s Riverdale by forcing them to binge-watch all episodes of Riverdale! That’s meta magic!