House of the Dragon’s beatdown death, broken down by an MMA expert

This week’s House of the Dragon The ceremonial table was filled with scheming power partners, brave fashion choices, and a particularly vicious brawl.

It’s that last bit that we’re here to talk about today.

[Ed. note: Significant spoilers follow for the fifth episode of House of the Dragon.]

Rhaenyra Tarrayen and Laenor Varyon marry, establishing the connection between the two Westerosi Houses. This is one of the most important events in the episode. As is often the case for political marriages, the spouses have their eyes on others: namely, their respective lovers, Ser Criston Cole and Ser Joffrey “The Knight of Kisses” Lonmouth.

Ser Joffrey discovers at the wedding that Ser Criston was his four-sided counterpart. Joffrey makes an attempt to strike up a conversation, letting on that he knows about Criston and Rhaenyra’s secret, and advises that the two knights look out for each other.

This goes very poorly. A commotion quickly breaks out on Joffrey’s dance floor. Criston is on top of Joffrey and whaling recklessly on his face. It’s a ground-and-pound scene straight out of a modern MMA fight (albeit with one combatant wearing a full suit of armor).

Photo: Ollie Upton/HBO

Thankfully, I am also employed at MMA Fighting. This is the top MMA website. So I reached out to senior reporter Damon Martin, who is also a self-described “massive” fan of the Game of Thrones universe.

Martin was impressed by Criston’s ground-and-pound fighting, and compared the knight’s technical approach to that of heavyweight contender Curtis Blaydes. However, he stated that Criston could improve his skills.

“Credit to Criston Cole on his technique with the quick takedown and moving into mount, where he just began raining down blows on the ‘Knight of the Kisses,’ who really needs to work on his defense on the ground, although now it appears he’ll never get the chance,” Martin said. “The only real improvement that Ser Criston needs to make would be mixing in some elbows to go along with the punches if he really wants to inflict maximum damage, but he seemed to be doing just fine with his fists.”

As for Joffrey, the loser in this particular battle — there was no official confirmation as to his status, but he sure looked in very bad shape at the end of the exchange — Martin gave some notes on how he could have avoided his bloody fate.

“Poor Joffrey just never got the opportunity to showcase any of his fighting skills once he was on his back,” he said. “It looked like he had never taken a single grappling class in all those years he was serving House Velaryon in Driftmark. Joffrey must have been able to draw guard against a stronger, bigger opponent so that he can at least minimize the damage he was receiving. Making Ser Criston work to get free to posture up and throw punches would have likely tired him out, considering he had about 80 pounds of armor weighing him down at the time.”

Photo: Ollie Upton/HBO

How about Criston going forward? At the end, we see that Queen Alicent stopped Criston’s suicide attempt. Martin believes that Criston could be a star in Westerosi MMMA if he puts his mind into it.

“Ser Criston certainly appears to be the full package,” Martin said. “He’s got power, speed, and a ruthlessness that will likely carry him far in future fights. However, fighting with emotions can prove to be dangerous so it is important for Criston not to get too angry. Criston might run into someone who is a more cerebral opponent. He could use his inability of separating the work and personal life to advantage.

“If he keeps working on that wrestling, he might contend for a WFC title one day (Westeros Fighting Championships, of course).”